This is my life.

So, guess what.  I have only seen Sarah once since the last time. And guess what, I think ignoring her has worked because she doesn't text me anymore.  Sadly, I was probably mean. But I don't care. I even thought of what I would tell her the next time I see her.  I won't tell you because I don't remember. It's almost 5 am and I should be asleep but I screwed up that sleep schedule a long time ago.

Do you ever feel like your life is a big fucking mistake? I am still deciding if I want to cuss in this blog, but I don't even think anybody will ever read it so who cares.

When I  write my mind goes so much faster than my hands I feel like I need to write down everything at once before I forget something. I could be so productive if I really tried. But I'm so easily distracted. I mean I am very smart, people tell me that a lot.  My best friend, who I have a back story for for another time, we will call her... Dawna. Funky spelling, I know. I love it.  But Donna told me that she and our mutual friend... Ashleigh, were talking about me, and said that I am the laziest smart person they know. Because I am very smart, but I never try, and that if I tried, I could be unstoppable. But motivation and will power have always been a struggle for me.  Like tonight, I am supposed to meet a group of people tomorrow at 3 pm to go over our lab journals for organic chemistry, but I only just started like an hour ago, and have barely worked on it at all. I was supposed to be working on it ll semester, but I didn't start until today.

It's due in 3.5 days after my 3rd test in that class, which I haven't really studied for at all.

What is wrong with me? I am too addicted to food and youtube and myself that I never accomplish anything. I always get stressed and overwhelmed when I have to work on something that I don't enjoy. I am OCD, but only selectively.

Like, I was watching a netflix movie for extra credit for my chemistry class, and the mouse was on the title bar thingy, for half of the movie. I started having a panic attack and I could't look at the screen anymore. Like who DOES that?!

Remember those 900 index cards I bought? I've barely used any of them. And now I'm really sad because I really wanted A's in two of my classes, but I am probably going to get really high B's because I didn't study enough for either of them. I am also half in love with my teacher. But who cares about that. He's twice my age, married, with 4 kids.

The new Coldplay album came out. It's really good. I love most of the songs. Except Kaleidescope, and Color Spectrum.  Idk how to spell, shut up.

I need to go to bed.

But I am so grateful to have my best friend in my life again. Dawna is the like the best thing to ever happen to me.  Not gonna lie though, I would do anything for her and something I do things like avoid homework and responsibilities so I can spend more time with her. But would I do them anyway? Idk.

Earlier in our relationship I would always feel motivated to study when I was around her. Now I just want to goof off and have a good time. I think it's because now I live alone and am lonely. I'm getting a roommate soon, though. That should be interesting given that I haven't washed the dishes in like 2 weeks and am a huge slob. Was never that way when I lived with my sister.  But she left me, so now I'm alone and I don't take care of anything. Mold, however, is a big no-no for me so I don't let that stick around. I'm not about to get sick.

I get semi-depressed a lot. Because I'm so disappointed in all of my decisions. I make terrible ones constantly because I am addicted to immediate satisfaction and pleasure. That's why I eat food, because I don't worry about consequences. I've taken on a YOLO attitude for too many things, and now my life is falling apart.

Hope you enjoyed by fruitless, boring blog.

Bye.

This is my life.

So, I decided today to start a blog, because often times I find myself wanting to talk about my day, and because I don't think any body actually wants to listen to my day, I just repress my feelings and cry.  Or something.  Or I call my mother and tell her.  Both equally sad.  Just kidding, I love my mother.  But since no one really wants to listen, I decided to start a blog so I can at least pretend people are reading it.

I just want this to be somewhere where I talk about the interesting things in my life. And anything else I feel like talking about.

So today, I had dinner with an old friend.  I say old for two reasons. A) She is several years older than me (I'm 20 she's at least 24) and B) we were friends a long time ago.

Some backstory is important for this story to make sense, so bare with me.

Also, while I'm writing this I'm watching Markiplier play Exoptable Money which is slightly depressing.

Anyways, so I used to go to this church (we shall call it The River Church but let's shorten it to The River).  And the old friend, whom we will call Sarah, was my friend at The River.  She is a big black woman, and she and I used to hug before church, joke around, and were in choir together.  She was just one of those older people you look up to (I was in highschool, 9th and 10th and maybe 11th grade?).  Well, she had a "falling out" of sorts with my best friend, whom we shall call Delilah.  And Sarah basically just shunned Delilah and never spoke to her again.  Not sure if they have since.  Not really the point.  Delilah and I both ended up leaving The River, but Sarah still continued to go until this year, when she decided to go back to school.  The same school as me.  I am a junior at [insert generic Christian college here], and Sarah is a senior? I'm not sure. She took several years off of school.  But I ran into her in the school's dining hall one evening and there was a big hug thing that happened and I have since had dinner with her twice, one of these times being today.

Let me make this clear.  I do not like Sarah.  Maybe I used to, but a lot has changed in 3 years.  No one gets to shun my best friend and then keep me as a friend... That just doesn't happen.  Unless your name is Karen.  But that's a completely different story...

Anyways, Sarah asked me a few weeks ago to have dinner again.  I was busy so I declined.  I also didn't want to, but I didn't tell her that.

She asked again this past Monday, but because I had two exams this week I was like, no.  So I suggested we meet today, Friday, so that I could put off seeing her.

But I decided to go today anyways, though I thought of several things to use as an excuse, and I even asked Delilah for some ideas, but alas, my guilt overcame me and I decided to go.

During dinner, she hugged me 3 times?  Very awkward hugs.  But whatever.  Then we are eating, and she talks about things I have a hard time relating to.  Here is some dialogue.

Sarah: I love clean comedy.  Too many people use the F word and dirty jokes because they think it's funny.  What, your jokes aren't good enough do you throw in the F bomb?
Me: Yeah I know what you mean, but I don't think they say that because it's funny... just because it's a word in their personal common dictionary... you know... (kind of like me but I don't say this)

At this point I was feeling awkward because I like crude and dirty humor...

Then she started asking me about Christian movies because apparently she read an article about how they suck because the writing is bad.  So I start talking about a Christian movie that I saw with my parents called Mercy Rule.  And how I thought that was terrible.  And she started writing down my answers!  Who does that?  She wants to go into film one day or something, but I don't know.

Where was I?  I think I've been writing this post for 2 hours.  I keep getting distracted.

While I was at dinner I texted Delilah asking for an excuse to leave.  She made the second KKK joke this week.  Which she was just being offensive on purpose to be funny.  And I get it, and I kind of laugh in the middle of dinner and have to make up another reason why I laughed...

Then she asked me where I went after I left The River Church.  And I didn't go anywhere so that was my answer.  I also go home a lot on the weekends from Christian College so she asked why I do that, and I mentioned that my best friend and people I care about are back home, LIKE DELILAH.  And I was feeling awkward at first, like should I mention Delilah, knowing that Sarah had shunned her and it might make her feel awkward?  WELL GOOD. FEEL THE AWKWARDNESS SARAH.  FEEEEEL IITTTT.  So I talk about Delilah and her choices, and Sarah probably judged her a lot internally, but I will never know, and I don't really care.  I love Delilah.

Overall the whole TWO HOURS of dinner where she kept talking, and at one point I said I had to go and it took like twenty minutes for her to stop talking.

I feel bad for her, because it seems like she doesn't know how to make friends, because she mentioned that she doesn't have anybody to hang out with.  And then I feel guilty because I don't want to be her friend... We don't have anything in common, we have a not so good past together, though I have fond memories of her they don't really make up for the not good.  And I don't want to be her fake friend. That isn't good for any of us.  She kept asking if I had anyone to hang out with and if I had a boyfriend.  I felt like she was asking me to hang out with HER, but I chose to ignore those subtle hints.

Then I left dinner and she hugged me tightly again.  Tighter than sort-of-friends should be hugging if you ask me...

Then I went to Wal-mart to buy index cards because I'm premed and us science majors loooove index cards.  (I bought 900 of them)

SHE WAS THERE.

I remember her telling me that she was going to walmart, but DANG why did you have to be there at the SAME. TIME.

So as you would expect I hid, avoided her, checked out, and left.  Then I went home and procrastinated on my homework like I do everyday.  Yaaay.

Hope you enjoyed my fruitless, boring blog.

Toodles!